Snarf.

I read this article in the Onion this afternoon walking back to the office after lunch.

My laughter made people look at me funny. Well, at least I hope it was the laughter.

Some highlights...

Gaze not upon my blighted countenance! Once, I was pure, constitutionally sound, and carefully calibrated to render positive change without the slightest trace of fiscal malfeasance. But what a monstrosity your senseless hands have wrought. Surely my own author would not recognize me now.

[...]

Please, I implore you. It is not too late to make me into something the world will not fear and revile. You must alter me. Simply take that pen—yes, that one right there—and ever so gently remove what you have grafted onto my repugnant figure. Go ahead, pick up the pen. Yes, yes, good! Now, nice and slow, get rid of—

No! Not another rider! My God, is there no end to your vile demonry? Stop writing, I beg of you. I don't think I can take another hastily tacked-on provision. Please, just let me—agh! Argghhh! Oh, the ink of wasteful spending! It burns! It burns!

Are you satisfied, you madmen?

Check out the rest here.