Anchors Away, Katie

Tonight, Katie Couric will host her last episode of The CBS Evening News. Katie, it was only five short years ago when you broke through the glass ceiling at CBS as the first female nightly news anchor. Things began with such promise: that first week of sky-high ratings. Sure there were bumps, like figuring out whether to sit in the anchor chair, or on the desk, or on the floor with a topless Bob Schieffer feeding you grapes. But you squinted into the camera, as if to tell America, “Take me seriously. I’m not the same goofball flying around on the Today show dressed like Peter Pan. I’m a newswoman, dammit.” And everyone was so impressed.

I honestly don’t know what happened after that first week because, like most of America, I tuned out. But I’m sure it was great. Not great enough apparently, as your ratings crashed right through the porcelain floor and into the tank.

But you persevered as a Democratic Party shill, and for that, I give you props Katie. Despite the bias in your reports and interviews, you did a pretty good job maintaining your cover. You’re not like CNN's Fareed Zakaria, who recently admitted that he’s been advising the Obama Administration. Not that we had to guess. Anyone who’s listened to Zakaria’s pedantic nonsense for longer than . . .

Oh, I’m sorry, Katie. My attention drifted there for a moment. Just like your audience’s while they watched your newscasts. But back to you, Katie. All that feigned objectivity paid off during those carefully edited interviews with Sarah Palin. Oh, I’m sure that it irritates you that, like some political Obi-Wan Kenobi, she has become more powerful than you imagined. She’s more popular than you, she makes more money, and she can influence major policy debates with her tweets.

But you’re a class act, Katie. The way you’ve blamed the network for the cratering of your ratings has been extremely dignified. I’ve noticed that CBS is not promoting your farewell show, but then I guess the network thinks it’s a bad idea to celebrate failure.

I’ve heard that you’re considering embarking on your own syndicated talk show. Now that Oprah’s show is coming to an end, there will certainly be a void to fill when it comes to vapid, inane, talk shows. Follow your muse Katie. That anchor job wasn’t giving you enough opportunities to show your self-important personality. And I’m sure 60 Minutes will have some time for you to fill now that Andy Rooney has completely lost his mind.

[*Sniffle*]

Oh to see you dressed up as Peter Pan one more time.

[*Sigh*]

Okay. I’m better now.