Raising the Drawbridge on American Prosperity

Dear President Obama,

I am a loyal liberal Democrat and am writing to thank you for raising gas prices to four dollars a gallon. I actually favor, as I’m sure you do, gas prices at nine dollars a gallon, like they are in some European countries. But I also know that you’re not done. I remember when you said that, under your cap and trade plan, U.S. electricity prices would “necessarily skyrocket.” I know that you’re working hard to do the same for gasoline.

Now I admit that when gas was approaching four bucks a gallon in 2008, when George W. Bush was President, I had a different reaction. Back then I knew that, after fattening their reserves during the Iraq War, Bush’s oil buddies were jamming it to us and reaping record profits. I mean, the Bush administration was just killing us with GDP growth at almost 3 percent and unemployment under 6 percent.

But I know that this time, you and your friends are guiding this, so I’m okay with it. Nice job by the way not having an energy policy for three years, as this keeps instability in the markets and drives up prices. In fact, I recently Googled “Obama” and “energy policy,” and a map of Brazil popped up. And the next time you see them, give a shout out to the Dynamic Duo of Bernanke and Geitner. All that “quantitative easing” has really helped to spiral prices to their current heights.

I was momentarily surprised and disappointed over the weekend when you announced that you were going to accelerate domestic oil and gas drilling. I mean, we liberals have been working for years to prevent drilling, as well as the opening of refineries and nuclear power plants. And it’s been working, both practically and politically. Every time some conservative even mentions the idea of domestic drilling, all we have to say is, “Well, that won’t help us now. It’ll take years to develop.” LOL! This is so great because we’re the ones who are actually keeping the country from having affordable energy, but we can just keep stalling. Even better, all of this makes us more dependent on foreign oil, which will give us traction to implement our green energy policies.

So after I thought about your change in drilling policy, I realized that, well, you’re just lying! Duh! I mean this was all for the consumption of those clueless, undecided independent voters. There’s no way that you’re actually going to allow Americans to develop their own energy! ROFL! You’re just trying to, once again, look like you’re doing something about a problem while ignoring it.

That’s what the hearings were about last week, when our Senate buddies hauled those greedy energy company executives up to Capitol Hill. They were pretending to stick up for hard-working taxpaying Americans by threatening to take away subsidies for energy companies. Of course this will only make the price of gasoline go higher, but that will only serve to hide our deeper, shared agenda: ending prosperity in the United States.

And once again, it’s working. First quarter GDP crawled along at 1.8 percent, and 1 out of every 6 Americans is on foodstamps. That’s the kind of recovery we can believe in! And I love your proposal for ending the Bush tax cuts for small businesses and job creators as a way to solve the debt crisis. Let conservatives try to jump-start this economy if that gets adopted!

So I just want you to know, I’m still with you. Let’s keep working together, Mr. President, to build a wall to keep out American prosperity. Better yet, we’ll build a moat. And then we can fill the moat with alligators . . . and maybe a few windmills.