The Evil of All Lessers

Third Base Politics has received a transcript of what appears to be a secret White House meeting at which efforts to manipulate the media were discussed. Present at the meeting were White House Press Secretary Jay Carney, former White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs, President Barack Obama, his teleprompter, Democratic strategist James Carville, and a male White House Intern.

Carville: Gibbs, whatcha doin’ these days?

Gibbs: I’m a media consultant.

Carville: Ya look like ya been appointed Ambassada to the Innanational House a Pancakes.

Everyone laughs.

Gibbs: That’s very hurtful, James.

Obama: Don’t worry about it Bob. I’ll get Michelle on you. She’ll have you in shape in no time.

Intern: Thank you for letting me sit in on this meeting, Mr. President.

Obama: Well, you’re welcome. I believe the children are our future.

Intern: I’m 23.

Obama: Teach them well and let them lead the way. Show them all the beauty they possess inside.

Carney: Sir, have you been loading Whitney Houston lyrics onto your teleprompter again?

Obama: Did I mention I killed Bin Laden?

Carville: Eva five minutes.

Carney: So how are we going to replace Katie Couric?

Intern: I thought that was CBS’s job.

The others laugh.

Carville: You gotta lot ta learn, young man. So da we want a man, or another woman?

Carney: Man.

Obama: Man.

Gibbs: Man.

Intern: Is this even fair? We’re all dudes.

Obama: The young man has a point. In fact, maybe we should get Michelle to fill in for me. It’s a beautiful day for a round of golf.

Carney: Sir, I think we need you here.

Obama: Well, that’s sweet, Jay. But if I should stay, I would only be in your way. So I'll go, but I know, I'll think of you--

Carney: Please turn the teleprompter off, sir.

Obama: Why?

Carney: I’m worried that you loaded “I’m Every Woman” onto that thing.

Carville: So watta we lookin’ fa?

Carney: Someone who’s on our team. I mean, we don't want anybody who's fair.

Gibbs: What about Bob Shieffer?

Carville: He’s still alive?

Carney: Good point. What about Norah O’Donnell?

Gibbs: She’s sooooooooo hot.

Carney: But she lacks gravitas. What about Arianna Huffington?

Carville: Naw. Naboda can unerstan’ a wad she says.

Obama: Can I go golfing now?

Carney: No sir.

Obama: Dammit. I killed Bin Laden. I deserve to go golfing.

Gibbs: Rachel Maddow speaks very clearly.

Intern: Who’s she?

Carney: She has a show on MSNBC.

Intern: What’s that?

Carville: They got Lawrence O’Donnell over there.

Gibbs: He’s kind of hot too.

Carney: But he’s a self-affirmed socialist. We’re going to need somebody less threatening to independents to promote the President’s re-election.

Obama: Jay, you know, I decided long ago, never to walk in anyone’s shadow. If I fail, if I succeed, at least I’ll live as I believe. No matter--

Carville: What about David Gregory, from NBC?

Carney: I’m afraid he might cause . . . a situation.

Obama: Situation?

Carney: Sir, he’s got a bigger crush on you than Monica had on Clinton.

Obama: Yeah, he does giggle a lot when he says my name.

Gibbs: What about Olbermann?

They all laugh.

Carney: Olbermann?!

Carville: He was sa dumb, eva time he blinked he thought it was a different day!

More laughter.

Carney: And that Shakespearean indignation: “Have you no sense of decency, sir?”

They laugh louder.

Carville: What a stooge!

Howling laughter.

Obama: God, I miss that guy.

Carney: Now CBS may want us to pick someone from inside the network, to strengthen the brand.

Carville: What about that Scott Pella fella?

Carney: Scott Pelley?

Carville: Tha’s what I said.

Obama: I like him. He looks really thoughtful all the time, even when he’s not doing anything. Like I do.

Carney: He’s like a taller, better looking Anderson Cooper.

They all nod.

Obama: Pelley it is.

Carville: So ya learn anathin’ valuable today, son?

Intern: I sure have.

Obama: What’s that?

Intern: I want to be a Republican.